2003-07-02 - 11:17 a.m.

I'm sitting here, watching a movie on Sundance about this place and I am in tears to see some of these girls dealing with being heavy. It hurts me more to see some of the parents, who are large, criticizing their kids for being heavy.

I was a skinny kid-I won't lie. However I went from like a girls 14 to a misses 10. It was like I jumped several sizes over a summer (mom called it a growth spurt, I'm thinking I should have been wearing misses sizes earlier but mom didn't want to buy them since they cost more than girls).

I had a spurt like that again, only about 15 years later and was aided by corticosteroids. I cry about that a lot too.

I cry about how I look right now (even though I'm down 10 from my highest). This sucks because I'm an emotional eater. I feel shitty about myself, so consequently I want to eat.

I catch myself with a lot of "if only"s...you know, if only I wasn't feeling so crappy I could go walk; if only I wasn't this heavy; if only, if only, if only.

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