2003-06-02 - 8:28 a.m.

Been having a lot of emotions flowing through me lately-sort of like the way my blood flows through my veins and arteries, only with that I don't give it much thought since that's a normal thing. The emotions, on the other hand, are usually not this close to the surface-they are not normally this visible unless you are looking for it.

The last two weeks have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and a lot of it is having to do with outward appearances. Mine, other peoples', and my feelings about all these appearances.

My own? Blech. In case you didn't catch that, it was blech. One minute I'll think everything is fine and then I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or in a reflection of a window (that shocked look on my face must scare those inside who see it). God, can I really be that girl? No fecking way can that be me! Holy shit...it IS me! I have to hide now. Now don't get me wrong...I'm not a wooly mammoth or anything like that (although when I was on the prednisone full time I looked a bit like Bigfoot, especially with all the hair sprouting from my face and arms), but I'm not comfortable with the skin I'm in. Not sure if it's because the skin looks the way it does or if it's because I feel like I'm too big for the skin, or what-just know I don't feel good about my shell.

Other people-I can't understand why you are so easily amused by pissing off those of us in our uncomfortable skins by saying horrific things like "I only need to lose "x" number more pounds" when you already look like you're starving yourself. Knock it off, dammit-we're tired of it. Get over yourself and eat a burger whydon'tcha? Don't you think we already feel shitty about things? If I see one more anorexic looking chick bitch about the calories in ranch dip, I think I'll drown her in a bowl of it. I wanted to scream "AREN'T YOU COLD WITHOUT ANY MEAT ON YOUR BONES?!?!" Saturday night at a party we went to. It wasn't that she was starving herself or anything, she just looked painfully thin-her clothes must have been a size ZERO and she was hiking her pants up constantly. "Hello? This is the space in your pants where your ass is supposed to be. You don't have one, and come to think of it, you don't have any boobs either so give up the Wonderbra. It won't help you any."

Bitter? Moi? Only slightly.....

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